I realize the theme for this month is positive thinking but this essay deals more with the flip side of that. I recently experienced a wave of negative thinking and I hope to share the destructive effects of my negativity as a cautionary tale. Perhaps a few readers will relate in some way to my experience. If so, I hope you are no longer trapped and tormented by the vicious spiral of gloom.
I never imagined it would be this way. As I’ve meandered my way through life, whenever I’ve encountered old people I’d notice how they no longer seemed energetic or happy. I wondered if this would happen to me, someday. It didn’t seem possible. I’d always been active and had no real health concerns, other than a pair of weak eyes. But nature overlooks no one. Now, at 65 years of age, my independence has gone away. I have severely limited eyesight due to a degenerative condition and struggle with my mobility, due to nerve damage caused by an arthritic spine. I’m feeling just as infirmed as those seniors I’d encountered when I was younger.
I recently joined our local YMCA. I’ve started water walking in the pool there to build strength in my legs. This has helped somewhat. But for the past two weeks, the pools have been shut down for annual maintenance, so I’ve begun visiting their gym instead. I’m no stranger to a large room full of exercise equipment, as I’ve held memberships to several such establishments in the past. But these two weeks have served to remind me that I’m in another stage of life now. The treadmills and steppers which I remember using for long cardio sessions when I was younger are now extremely challenging for me. I have difficulty keeping my balance, due to the weakness in my legs brought on by an arthritic back condition. On my first visit to the big fitness machine studio, I climbed onto a treadmill and managed only about a third of a mile before the weakness took hold and my feet began flopping instead of stepping. When I wobbled off and went to make my way out of the room, I took a wrong turn and ended up at the opposite end of the large studio, because I couldn’t see clearly for more than a couple of feet in front of my nose. I was hobbling around aimlessly for a few minutes before I found the exit. This was a strange and humbling experience for me.
This past week, I attended an outside yoga event with quite a few like-minded souls who enjoy this sort of thing. It was a lovely evening and two of my dear friends were hosting the event. There were also other friends in attendance, some of whom I hadn’t seen in quite a while. A few of these folks I haven’t seen since my days of training to be a yoga teacher. Oh yeah, if I forgot to mention it, I’m also a yoga teacher. So, it was kind of a reunion of sorts. Everyone who attended seemed to be young, healthy, and vigorous. They were all moving easily over the undulating ground, never giving a thought as to how they were balancing themselves. As for me, I was glued to my mat, unable to walk around on my weakened ankles. I was no match for the uneven terrain of a suburban lawn.
Life is an adventure and my adventure continues. Although change is sometimes uncomfortable. When the way forward diverges us from our path and takes us toward unknown horizons, fear appears. The Buddhists have a term for it. They call it Mara, the demon who terrorized Siddhartha during the night of his enlightenment.
As the sun set during the event and my night blindness came on, I was in despair. The negative self-talk began. For me it was, I’m helpless and I’m embarrassed to let those who knew me when I was stronger see me now, in such a diminished condition. When the event ended I wobbled away without saying goodbye. Make no mistake, this was an absolutely lovely event, these were wonderful people and terrific friends, but I couldn’t enjoy it. I didn’t feel worthy of it. I wasn’t good enough. My ego had me wallowing in self-pity, and thus I was in no frame of mind to enjoy myself. So I retreated and went home. Not very yogi of me.
I know better than this. I understand how the cycles of negativity feed on themselves. It’s a very unhealthy mindset. I know that this type of thinking needs to be eradicated from my mind. I also recognize that I’m a human being. I can hold myself in compassion and forgiveness when I slip up. I understand that the way forward is to reset my mental outlook. The best way I know to do that is through meditation. I have the knowledge and the experience. I’d meditated for years. I’ve even taught meditation to others. But none of us is perfect, and sometimes we slip back into old habits. My meditation has tapered off in recent times. But I must now begin again. I need to re-establish positivity in myself to help carry me forward. After all, my situation isn’t all doom and gloom. With diligent effort on my part, there’s an excellent chance that I will regain the ability to walk normally again in 12 to 18 months from when my treatment started, which was in May. I need to dust off the old meditation blanket and begin anew. I realize that like the muscles in my legs, my mental muscles need to be exercised and re-invigorated. It will not happen instantaneously, but with the same effort and consistency I am using to re-establish my gait, I’ll use it to bring positivity back into my mind. Then, I’ll follow the way, wherever it leads me, and feel like a true yogi again.
John teaches Yin Yoga at F.L.O.W. in Abington, PA once a week, along with dedicating time to writing, playing piano, and enjoying time with his wife. To learn more about John, visit: https://flowwellnesscenter.org/ourteam